I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder what other people think about me. Do they think I'm nuts? Do they think I'm selfish? Do they think I'm materialistic? Do they think I am scattered? Do they think I...it sounds like my life is based on what other people think - but that's not it. I guess more of what I wonder is...do people see on the outside what is the beating of my heart - the things that are most important to me - the things that I can't survive and live without - family, friends, Christ. Really - the rest is fluff. Icing on the cake. I wonder sometimes when I get caught up in just trying to get through a moment if people honestly see how much I really want to get to know them and be "all there" in that moment. I wonder at the end of the day how I could have done things differently to let Steve, the kids, my family & friends know how much they mean to me.

I was just watching tv, and thinking about all those who have to see their faces or hear their names on the news. How do they get through the day, knowing that their every move is under a microscope? That every thing they do or say is being watched and could be used as "entertainment" or "news" at the end of the day. God bless them for stepping into that. Sometimes it's willingly, and sometimes not so willingly. But think of all the different faces you see in the midst of a newscast. Whoa! And this is how we gauge how the "world" is doing? By those the news deem important enough to chronicle for us...and I supposed by those we deem important enough to google, or read about, or talk about. Then - we spend time talking about it - whether its sports, news stories, the latest hot topic - we jump right in as well. Why? Bottom line - all of our lives are being watched - by the people around us...and by Him.

I wonder if Jesus is proud of how I made it through the day. Because ultimately it's about Him - it's not about me. I just want Him to have accomplished in and through me what He wanted to...and many times I think I get in the way of that. Whether it's not making the most of my time, or getting caught up in making a moment vs. enjoying the moment, or just being busy --- I've been thinking about how much I miss in the midst of all there is to do. Reality is, there will always be things that need to get done. I just truly truly want to be able to sit down at the end of the day with no regrets about the time I spent with those I love most. I'm the only wife and mom of my family. They need me. And I'm the only me - and He created me with a plan in mind - one to give me hope and a future --- I hope I experience all of that. Lord - help me to see what You have for me today and everyday. Thanks for loving me - never giving up on me - and knowing that the desire of my heart is to know You more, be what You have designed me to be, and do what You want me to do.