Blogging...

So...what is a blog anyway? I'm still VERY new at this - trying to figure out how - trying to figure out why... There is something about putting thoughts down on virtual paper vs. just leaving them in your head (remind you of the movie You've Got Mail?). There's something about feeling like you have something to say, and maybe, just maybe, someone would want to read it. Can it make a difference? Will it draw us closer? Will it help me celebrate or get through a moment? Kind of cool I guess...

Sometimes I wonder - will anyone even read what I write? I haven't even really told anyone that I've started a blog. Why? Do I want to keep doing this? Am I afraid to really let people hear, read, think through my thoughts and ideas? Am I ready to accept the responsibility of having these thoughts "out there"?

One of the things about being a Christian is hoping that God will somehow, for some reason, choose to use you. In many cases, I don't think you even realize that you are being utilized by Him. But I do believe you have to be available to Him. Really wanting to know Him, to be molded by Him, to be like Him, to be transformed and conformed by Him. No - you don't have to have it all together. I was surprised this week at a youth group event when we were asking questions about things relating to our faith - and the question was I am willing to die for what I believe in. I answered sometimes, not always. That sparked some interesting responses from the students & leaders - because I think they expected me to say always. Honestly, I wanted to say always - but I don't know that it would be, well, honest. I could honestly say I hope that I would always die for what I believe - or who I believe in. But I've never been in that situation, or been tested in that extreme of a manner. Have I had to stand up for what I believe in - absolutely! In my life, I hope that I wouldn't be Peter and deny Jesus 3 times before the morning comes - but let's face it. I probably do that every day. I'll expect more out of my kids than I do out of myself, and not set a good example for them. I dwell on things that are truly unimportant and let that take up too much of my time. I choose to watch tv vs. have a great conversation with Steve, or read my Bible or pray. I blow it.

I'm not typing this to beat myself up, make myself look bad or even evoke pity or "no Michelle, you're not that bad...". I'm just being honest. Life is a series of moment-by-moment decisions. (Wow - that was really deep, ha!) And as they stack up on top of each other, they make patterns, good or bad. They make a statement about you - good or bad. Yet I think that when people are looking at you from the outside, especially with trying to figure out your "Christian" lifestyle, I think they look at you not to say good or bad, but to say real or fake. Genuine or knock-off. Live or Memorex. Man, I want to be real. I want to be just me. Maybe I will keep up this "blog" thing. Just so I can just be me. Just be honest. Just see how God is working in my heart, and the things He brings across my plate - the significant and not so significant - the people who make a difference - the events, thoughts, conversations, interactions that He brings my way - all to make me into who He wants me to be...